During the past few days, I have found that I can't keep much of even the simplest information in my head. After a rather stressful few months, I am convinced that I am losing what is left of my sanity. For the larger part of this past month, I have been floating somewhere outside my skin and perhaps I'm not ready to return just yet. Even now, as I sit here, staring at my cursor (which, I might add, is blinking at me in a rather mocking manner), I can barely remember the sentences I have just typed. It is almost as if I started to dream somewhere along the line and haven't awakened yet. Perhaps I'm afraid of what will be when I wake.

As a short explanation of my background in this particular area, I will tell you that I suffer from anxiety troubles. I have been plagued by emetophobia since the age of 5. Emetophobia is defined as the fear of vomiting. As arcane as it may sound, it is more common than I had ever imagined. As a result of this phobia, I began having panic attacks that have continued for most of my life to this point. As I navigated my teen years, I began developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I worried constantly about anything surrounding vomiting, especially things like food poisoning or stomach viruses. As I grew into my early 20's, I started feeling more aware of the OCD, and I suppose that is when it became more obvious that something was actually medically 'wrong with me'. As a result of the panic attacks I was experiencing, I became unable to go out. Many people who suffer sever panic attacks feel 'safer' in their own environment, and leaving it can actually bring on more attacks. This is called 'secondary Agoraphobia' (Agoraphobia being defined as a fear of open spaces or public places). Basically, you could say that I have about 4 variations of an anxiety disorder.

All that having been explained (in the simplest of terms, I know), I will say that my mom, with whom I live in the same house, has been ill in the stomach twice in the past month. As a result, I have lived in an almost constant state of anxiety and have experienced extreme panic attacks more often than I have in the past year. It is quite physically and emotionally taxing. The brain is an amazing thing to me. Even though it doesn't work properly in the sense that its 'fight or flight' response is haywire, it also can shut itself down when it has gone haywire too much. The result of that 'shutdown' is living in a dream-like state for short periods of time. This is called dissociation. During these times, I can barely remember things I have done or said, and I have an extremely difficult time processing information. You could compare it to being on really good painkillers that 'numb' your brain.

And so, I sit here, trying to shake the dream-world and float back to reality. I'm not sure I really want to, but I have things to attend to. In reality, I have a doctor's appointment in less than two weeks. I will see a psychologist, who will determine whether or not I'm mentally unstable. If she decides that I am (which is obvious, I would think!), she will then make a second appointment for me to see a psychiatrist in order to have medication prescribed. I hate taking meds with a passion, but it has become incredibly clear that I will have to if I am ever to improve to the point of living a somewhat normal existence. Let me make it clear that getting to the first appointment is going to be a difficult undertaking. Getting to the second is usually more difficult than the first. Perhaps I will phone the office and request both appointments back to back in the same day. At least then I will be able to get started on my meds sooner and perhaps that will make later appointments a bit smoother. We will see.

Please don't think that this is all I consist of. I am made up of much, much more than just my mental illness. This just happens to be what is on my mind today (ok, other than the RSS-feed jargon that Merlijn was muttering to me earlier this evening). I'm sure future posts will help your view take more shape. Take care and good evening to all.

~ A, semi-coherently

For more information on emetophobia, please visit the Emetophobia FAQ (at Emetophobia Online). You can also take a gander at my article on emetophobia, "The Mind of an Emetophobe" at my sister site Just Some Thoughts.